Learn English with Two Old Men.
The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife’s hate of technology.
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- Alfred: Hi Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Yes, hello Alfred!
- Alfred: How has your morning been?
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes.
- Alfred: Something tells me you are not feeling quite yourself today, Geoffrey.
- Geoffrey: You could say that. I do feel like a bit of a fool.
- Alfred: You may be bit of a fool, but this podcast wouldn’t be the same without you! I don’t need to write jokes when you are around and telling your stories!
- Geoffrey: I’m just one big joke to you, aren’t I?
- Alfred: Geoffrey, I didn’t mean it like that! You are a loveable fool! Geoffrey, you are also my friend.
- Geoffrey: Your friend! Where were you last night?
- Alfred: Last night? What happened last night?
- Geoffrey: You really don’t care about me, do you!
- Alfred: Of course I care, you are my friend, but please tell me what is going on?
- Geoffrey: Please, stop talking so loud! My head hurts.
- Alfred: That’s another piece of the mystery! Your head hurts and you’re talking about last night. We all know that you never go out after 6pm. Did you get drunk last night?
- Geoffrey: Well, you should know!
- Alfred: Why should I know where you go? I only record you for the podcast.
- Geoffrey: Because I told you before where I would be going last night.
- Alfred: When did you tell me, Geoffrey?
- Geoffrey: Last week.
- Alfred: I’m sure that you didn’t tell me. I usually write everything in my diary. At my age I even forget my wife’s birthday if I don’t write it down.
- Geoffrey: At your age? That is not an excuse! You have always forgotten birthdays! Even before you got old!
- Alfred: We got old, Geoffrey! Hmm, talking about birthdays does ring a bell!
- Geoffrey: Well check your diary then!
- Alfred: Ok, hmmm. Yesterday’s entry in my diary reads: Go to bakery. Make tuna sandwich. Eat tuna sandwich. Search internet for ways to remove old skin from feet. Have a cup of tea.
- Geoffrey: Isn’t there anything about me?
- Alfred: No, sorry Geoffrey. You’ll have to stop moaning and tell me why you are in a bad mood.
- Geoffrey: I have a hangover. Yesterday was my birthday party and you didn’t come!
- Alfred: You didn’t tell me.
- Geoffrey: I sent you an invite.
- Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey, but I didn’t receive one. What did they look like?
- Geoffrey: They were written on little post-it note paper.
- Alfred: Ok, were they yellow?
- Geoffrey: Yes, they were! You did receive an invite!
- Alfred: No, but I can see a bunch of post-it notes sticking out of your jacket pocket!
- Geoffrey: What? Yes, yes. Oh no! These are my invitations.
- Alfred: You silly-sausage! You forgot to give them out!
- Geoffrey: Oh no! That explains why none of my friends came!
- Alfred: Where did you go for your birthday party?
- Geoffrey: To The Horse’s Inn.
- Alfred: Wow, a very posh pub; they have 7 types of beer!
- Geoffrey: Yes, I decided to treat myself. Unfortunately, because none of my friends came, I had to celebrate my party with the pub locals. There was Pint stealing Pete.
- Alfred: Why do you call him Pint stealing Pete?
- Geoffrey: I have no idea! But, he’s a very nice guy. Every time, I went to the toilet he had refilled my pint of beer!
- Alfred: Who else was there?
- Geoffrey: Well, apparently Doris has a sister, called Wendy.
- Alfred: Doris has a sister? Please, don’t invite her round her!
- Geoffrey: Yes, I couldn’t stand her. She was always repeating herself and kept talking about going to the local farmers’ market. Nothing like Doris at all!
- Alfred: So, how did the evening go?
- Geoffrey: It started well enough, we played darts, cards and my favourite game called hide the haemorrhoid cream! Unfortunately, when it was my turn to hide Pete’s cream, they couldn’t find it, and then by the time they had stopped looking, I had forgotten where I had hidden it! He told me he couldn’t sit down this morning.
- Alfred: Oh dear. So, you had a nice birthday. So, why are you looking down?
- Geoffrey: Well, as I said, it started well. But, then everyone started to buy me round after round of beer. I got a little drunk.
- Alfred: There’s no harm in that.
- Geoffrey: Then I saw the woman of my dreams in the corner.
- Alfred: It wasn’t Doris was it?
- Geoffrey: Don’t be silly! Anyway, this woman was young, 50 years old and had a great body! Also, she was looking at me!
- Alfred: Some female interest is always good, especially at our age. Did you go and speak to her?
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes, I did. I put my false teeth in, pulled my trousers up over my belly and walked over.
- Alfred: Well done Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Yes. The great thing was that she was a good listener; she listened to all my stories and didn’t leave. She was very quiet and didn’t say much, but I think that is because she was entranced by my war stories.
- Alfred: That would be a first!
- Geoffrey: Eventually, I asked her to dance. We danced all night long and then eventually we kissed.
- Alfred: Wow! Geoffrey! This is amazing! Why are you so sad?
- Geoffrey: When I went to see Pint Stealing Pete, he showed me his new mobile telephone. He said that he had taken pictures of last night.
- Alfred: Not necessarily a bad thing.
- Geoffrey: I asked him if he had any pictures of my mysterious lady, as I forgot to ask for her number.
- Alfred: Ah great! Maybe you can find her!
- Geoffrey: I don’t want to find her.
- Alfred: Why not?
- Geoffrey: My mystery woman wasn’t a ‘she’.
- Alfred: Oh god! Your mystery woman was a man? OH no Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Alfred.
- Alfred: To be honest, it is ok.
- Geoffrey: Alfred!
- Alfred: Ok, you danced and kissed a man, but at your age, you don’t get many opportunities, just accept it and be pleased someone was interested in you!
- Geoffrey: Alfred!
- Alfred: Yes?
- Geoffrey: It wasn’t a man
- Alfred: Oh? It wasn’t a woman or a man? I think I have seen people like that on a late-night documentary.
- Geoffrey: It wasn’t a person.
- Alfred: Wow! What did you kiss?
- Geoffrey: I spent all night dancing with and kissing a coat stand! Wendy had left her coat and hat on it. I spent 3 hours talking to a coat stand!
- Alfred: That is hilarious!
- Geoffrey: They didn’t tell me, because they thought it was hilarious.
- Alfred: Don’t worry about it! I can’t say I have done it myself, but I’m sure there are many people who have mistook a coat stand for a woman!
- Geoffrey: Really?
- Alfred: No. I think you are the only one.
- Geoffrey: Oh dear! I think I’m going to go home and lie-down.
- Alfred: Good idea Geoffrey. At your age, you’ll need a week to recover.
- Geoffrey: oh!
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