Learn English with Two Old Men.
One of the two old men has been in the hospital.
The other one just doesn’t listen.
A typical day for the two old men.
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- Geoffrey: Hello? Is there anyone out there!
- ALFRED: Hi Geoffrey. Who are you talking to?
- Geoffrey: Our one listener.
- ALFRED: OK, Anyway, sorry, I’m late. I’ve been in hospital at the weekend.
- Geoffrey: Yes, I thought there was something wrong when you didn’t answer your phone. I’ve been calling all weekend.
- ALFRED: But, when I got home I checked my answering machine and I had no new messages.
- Geoffrey: No, I called the other number. , I called your mobile phone.
- Geoffrey: No: I don’t have a mobile phone.
- Geoffrey: Well, I thought it was strange you were speaking with a woman’s voice. And then you asked me for fun time.
- ALFRED: Also, I was in the hospital.
- Geoffrey: Well, let me tell you about my friend Maurine, she told me the most hilarious thing.
- ALFRED: Ah, I do know Maurine. She’s the lady who makes cakes for the village fare, isn’t she?
- Geoffrey: no, no. Yes! That’s Maurine!
- ALFRED: Absolutely delicious cakes! But, no matter how much I ask her about the recipe, she won’t tell me what the secret ingredient is.
- Geoffrey: Oh! I’ve seen all the ingredients in those cakes.
- ALFRED: Really? What is the secret ingredient? Please tell me Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Do you really like those cakes?
- ALFRED: Yes, Geoffrey. They are the best cakes I’ve ever had.
- Geoffrey: Yes, Well, it is better if I don’t tell you then.
- ALFRED: Oh! I better drink to forget this conversation.
- Geoffrey: I would drink if I knew what was in those cakes.
- ALFRED: That bad is it?
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes!
- ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey. Tell me the story about Maurine.
- Geoffrey: Well, do you remember that I told you that my neighbour died.
- ALFRED: Hmm. My memory is quite bad.
- Geoffrey: He died from a fall.
- ALFRED: Ah, really? How terrible!
- Geoffrey: Well, he was in a tree, trying to save his pet cat. And then the branch broke and he fell, very sad.
- ALFRED: Yes, it is. Such a tragic way to go!
- Geoffrey: The funniest thing is, that he didn’t even have a cat.
- ALFRED: Oh, right? But, how did you know he was trying to save his cat then?
- Geoffrey: He had a can of tuna in is hand.
- ALFRED: Ah, makes sense!
- Geoffrey: Well, their family eventually sold the house.
- And now, I’ve got new neighbours.
- ALFRED: Really, have you met them?
- Geoffrey: Yes. Their names are Paul, Jarrod and a baby called Sheila.
- ALFRED: Ah they sound lovely.
- Geoffrey: Well, I don’t understand. Which one is the dad? Where is the mother?
- ALFRED: Well, Geoffrey, probably…
- Geoffrey: They must be brothers, right?
- ALFRED: I think they are both the dads.
- Geoffrey: But, they are two men.
- ALFRED: Yes, in a relationship.
- Geoffrey: Two brothers together? That is disgusting.
- ALFRED: No, they are not brothers. They’re..
- Geoffrey: They must be students!
- ALFRED: I think they are just partners and their daughter.
- Geoffrey: Really? That’s amazing! But, where did they get the baby from?
- ALFRED: Geoffrey, this is the 21st century. There are many options for young couples.
- Geoffrey: I think I saw a film about that once.
- ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey, please can you tell me the story about Maurine!
- Geoffrey: Ah yes, Maurine. Well, do you know she had a hip replacement?
- ALFRED: I thought she was walking funny.
- Geoffrey: Well, no more! I’ll tell you something. Are you listening?
- ALFRED: Yes, I’m still listening Geoffrey.
- Geoffrey: When it’s teatime at the day centre, it feels like the Olympics. Maurine, she can run from her TV chair to the tea lady in less than 9 seconds. Although, some people say that when I count, I forget I’ve said number 5 and I repeat 6 or 7 times., number 5 and I repeat 6 or 7 times. The number…
- ALFRED: Yes Geoffrey!
- Well, that is great news Geoffrey! Well done Maurine. It must be great to get her mobility back!
- Geoffrey: Well, yes. But, I’m not happy.
- ALFRED: Why not?
- Geoffrey: She gets to the cups of tea first! She always takes the best biscuits!
- ALFRED: Geoffrey! You and your biscuits!
- Geoffrey: I do love my biscuits.
- ALFRED: Well, she is doing you a favour! She is helping you cut down on biscuits. They are not healthy for you!
- Geoffrey: What a load of rubbish! I’ve been eating a packet of biscuits every day for the last 30 years and there is nothing wrong with me. Well except for my arthritis.
- ALFRED: And your cholesterol.
- Geoffrey: Except for my arthritis and my cholesterol, there’s nothing wrong with me!
- ALFRED: And your eyesight
- Geoffrey: Ok, except for my arthritis, cholesterol and my eyesight, I’m fine!
- ALFRED: Hmmm…
- Geoffrey: What?
- ALFRED: And to be honest your memory isn’t great these days…
- Geoffrey: It’s fine! There’s nothing wrong with me except for my arthritis, … and errr…the other things. I’m like a bull.
- ALFRED: Like a bull in a china shop.
- Geoffrey: Hmm! Anyway. What where we speaking about?
- ALFRED: Well, I was going to tell you why I was in the hospital. But, you started talking about Maurine.
- Geoffrey: Ah! Maurine! Well, with her hip replacement she’s become a lot more active, going for long walks along the river. She’s even tried some extreme sports.
- ALFRED: Extreme sports? Really? Like what?
- Geoffrey: Well, she went bungee-jumping!
- ALFRED: Bungee-jumping, incredible!
- ALFRED: Geoffrey. That is not very nice.
- Geoffrey: Well, it is true. Anyway, did you want to tell me something?
- ALFRED: Finally! I was in the hospital at the weekend.
- Geoffrey: Really, why didn’t you tell me?
- ALFRED: Can’t you even remember the beginning of this podcast?
- Geoffrey: Podcast? What is that?
- ALFRED: Oh! What we are doing now. You really do have the memory of a fish.
- Geoffrey: So, you went to hospital. Why did you do that?
- ALFRED: Well, I was walking along the beach with my ice-cream and I nearly tripped over a rock. The ice-cream went all over my face.
- Geoffrey: You went to the hospital because you NEARLY tripped over a rock?
- ALFRED: No. I haven’t finished the story.
- Geoffrey: Ah ok. Go ahead.
- ALFRED: Well after cleaning the ice-cream off my face and feeling a little disappointed, I continued walking. I then saw something in the distance. Something was in the sea! It looked like a child!
- Geoffrey: What did you do?
- ALFRED: I jumped into the water and started swimming towards the child. But, no matter how far I swam I didn’t get any closer. I then began to tire and I started to panic.
- Geoffrey: That sounds horrible!
- ALFRED: Yes, luckily a young couple saw me and swam out to save me.
- Geoffrey: But the child?
- ALFRED: Yes. They gave me a blanket and called the ambulance. When they were putting me in the ambulance I saw the same child in the sky. Flying!
- Geoffrey: Flying? This wasn’t a dream, was it?
- ALFRED: Oh no! This is real. I asked the medics if they could see the child flying in the sky. They said no.
- Geoffrey: You were imagining the child.
- ALFRED: No, I could definitely see it.
- Geoffrey: Was it a ghost? Or have you finally gone crazy?
- ALFRED: No, I then took off my glasses as I felt sleepy and the child disappeared. I couldn’t see him anymore.
- Geoffrey: What?
- ALFRED: I looked at my glasses and realised that I had some strawberry ice-cream on the lenses.
- Geoffrey: Oh dear! You are getting as bad as me!
- ALFRED: I hope not!
- G: Anyway, did I tell you the story about Maurine?
- ALFRED: Oh god! Not again!
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