Learn English with Two Old Men.
The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey!
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- Alfred: Welcome to Two Old Men in a Shed. I’m still waiting for Geoffrey. He’s late again. At least, I haven’t got one of his strange friends knocking on the door this time.
- Alfred: Oh dear, I hope it’s not Doris again! Come in!
- Geoffrey: Yes, Yes, Hello Alfred! It’s me Geoffrey.
- Alfred: Thank god for that.
- Geoffrey: Thank god for what?
- Alfred: That it’s you!
- Geoffrey: Yes. Of course it’s me! Who else would it be?
- Alfred: Well, do you remember last week? You arrived quite late. Also, your friend was here and I had to listen to her.
- Geoffrey: My friend was here? What friend are you talking about?
- Alfred: Oh dear! Doris, she was here with me alone and we recorded a podcast while we were waiting for you.
- Geoffrey: Doris was here? Yes, yes. I seem to recall finding her here. You need to be careful with Doris. She might be 85, but she is like a Burmese tiger!
- Alfred: Like a Burmese tiger? Whatever do you mean?
- Geoffrey: She’s a naughty girl. Leave her alone with someone and she’ll soon be jumping on top of them!
- Alfred: Thank god that didn’t happen!
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. She didn’t try to kiss you? She’s done it to all the old men at the retirement home! How strange! She must only like older men!
- Alfred: Older men?
- Geoffrey: Yes, that must be it. I remember on the way home, on the bus, she literally jumped on top of me. She stuck her tongue down my throat.
- Alfred: Please! No more details!
- Geoffrey: Of course, she had to remove her false teeth first; she usually puts them in her pocket where she keeps her sweets and tissues.
- Alfred: I’m going to vomit. Please, don’t tell me anything else happened!
- Geoffrey: Remember, I’m a married man. Of course I didn’t do anything else.
- Alfred: You saying that you are a married man is a sentence that I will never get used to.
- Geoffrey: Thank you! Anyway, when I managed to get her off me, she couldn’t find her false teeth!
- Alfred: I imagine they were probably in your pockets! You’ve got allsorts in there.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Well everything except biscuits these days! My wife still hides them!
- Alfred: I hope you wife didn’t find the false teeth. That would be hell of an explanation, to explain why you have another woman’s false teeth in there.
- Geoffrey: They weren’t in my pocket!
- Alfred: Ah! Did you find them?
- Geoffrey: Well, we started looking everywhere. In my pockets, in her handbag, she even started to look down my trousers for a long time, but we couldn’t find them!
- Alfred: Is that the story?
- Geoffrey: No! Let me finish!
- Alfred: I thought you had stopped!
- Geoffrey: I was trying to pause to give dramatic effect.
- Alfred: Wow! I’m not used to it. Usually, you just talk and talk and never stop! You’re really starting to get into this podcast aren’t you?
- Geoffrey: This pod…what?
- Alfred: Oh dear! Anyway, where did you find the false teeth?
- Geoffrey: Well, that is the funny thing.
- Alfred: I expect that it is.
- Geoffrey: We had all of the passengers looking for the teeth. Even the bus driver was on his knees looking around.
- Alfred: Did you find them?
- Geoffrey: Do you know what?
- Alfred: Can you just finish the story.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. The story, of course I’ll finish it. But do you know what?
- Alfred: Dear me! What Geoffrey?
- Geoffrey: I thought that before I met my wife…
- Alfred: Is that the wife that we haven’t mentioned in a long time?
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes, her!
- Alfred: Ok, Go on…
- Geoffrey: Before I met my wife, I thought I was a very clean gentleman!
- Alfred: I don’t know what to laugh about more there, the fact you still have a wife, that you thought you were clean or that you consider yourself to be a gentleman!
- Geoffrey: There’s no need to be rude.
- Alfred: I’m sorry Alfred.
- Geoffrey: Good! Well, when my wife showed me that I had a cupboard under the sink, I couldn’t believe it! The cupboard was full of old cleaning products! It was astonishing!
- Alfred: Why?
- Geoffrey: Well, I’ve never bought cleaning products in my life! How did they get there under my sink?
- Alfred: You probably bought them by accident.
- Geoffrey: By accident?! Me? Well, probably! Although to be honest, whenever I’ve needed to give something a quick clean, I’ve always used a bit of whisky, water and my toothbrush.
- Alfred: Your toothbrush and whisky? That does explain a lot.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes… like what?
- Alfred: Well, your house always smells like whiskey even the garden. Also, I would describe the colour of your teeth as a mixture of whisky and dirt.
- Geoffrey: But the important thing is that they are my own teeth! Well all except the front one…or two…or three. But most are my own teeth!
- Alfred: Ok. I have no idea where we are in this story.
- Geoffrey: Yes! Well, after my wife cleaned my kitchen, I couldn’t believe the difference! I thought my kitchen walls were brown! I thought it was a style to match the wooden cupboards. After my wife…
- Alfred: whose name is…?
- Geoffrey: I said her name on the other podcast. After my wife cleaned them I nearly had to wear those dark glasses in the morning to protect them against the shiny white walls.
- Alfred: Dark glasses? You mean sunglasses, don’t you?
- Geoffrey: Yes, those.
- Alfred: By the way, how is your wife? Did you ever find out whether she was cheating or not?
- Geoffrey: My wife, I don’t really want to speak about her right now.
- Alfred: I’m sorry Geoffrey. Anyway, back to the story.
- Geoffrey: Yes! The story! Yes, yes, yes! What story?
- Alfred: Wow. At least he is not Doris! The story about the false teeth on the bus.
- Geoffrey: Yes. Well if you stop distracting me, I’ll finish the story.
- Alfred: Distracting you?
- Geoffrey: Yes, you are always interrupting!
- Alfred: Me? Interrupting?
- Geoffrey: Yes! Right, we were all on the floor of the bus looking for the false teeth. What I wanted to say is that I couldn’t believe how dirty it was down there! We found everything; so much chewing gum, hair clips and even a false leg!
- Alfred: A false leg?
- Geoffrey: Yes! Now who would leave a false leg on a bus? Wouldn’t they realise that they got on the bus with two legs and left with only one? It’s not the type of thing you can miss easily!
- Alfred: You’d be surprised! All it takes is a couple of glasses of wine, and the next moment you’ve got a false leg missing!
- Geoffrey: Don’t be silly.
To be continued….
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