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S1E18 – Learn English with Two Old Men – Meet Doris

Episode Notes

Learn English with Two Old Men.
Level: Advanced – A new character with a new accent. Don’t worry, the more you listen to accents the more you get used to them. 🙂

Another day in the shed. But where is Geoffrey?
A strange and very confused woman enters the shed while Alfred is waiting for Geoffrey to arrive.
She seems to be obsessed about promoting her turkey sandwiches at the market fair.

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Transcript*

  • Alfred: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Well, I’m here alone. Geoffrey is nowhere to be seen. I might as well tell you a little bit more about myself. I’m a bit of a collector. I collect teaspoons. I’ve got over 100 of them. Each one is different. You see tea spoons…
  • Doris: Hello!
  • Alfred: err…Hello?
  • Doris: It’s Doris. Is this the radio station? It’s Doris.
  • Alfred: Well, actually it’s my hobby podcast.
  • Doris: I’m looking for the radio station. It’s Doris.
  • Alfred: Well, I suppose you could call this a radio station of sorts.
  • Doris: Yes, I was told this was the radio station. It’s Doris.
  • Alfred: Ok, your name is Doris. Why are you looking for the radio station?
  • Doris: I want to tell the world about the market fair.
  • Alfred: What market fair?
  • Doris: That’s why I’m here; to tell the world about it, to give them information. I’ve baked some cakes and made some turkey sandwiches for it. It’s Doris!
  • Alfred: Ok, Doris. But, surely you are looking for the local radio station, right?
  • Doris: I’m looking for the radio station owned by the old man who’s escaping his wife. Is this the radio station?
  • Alfred: Well, I am an old man, and I do have a wife.
  • Doris: Yes, I was told to ask for Andrew.
  • Alfred: I’m Alfred,
  • Doris: Yes! That’s it! Andrew!
  • Alfred: Alfred
  • Doris: Alright, Andrew. Is that you?
  • Alfred: It’s Alfred.
  • Doris: OK Andrew, I’m in the right place to talk about me turkey sandwiches.
  • Alfred: I’m not sure this is the best place.
  • Doris: The local radio?
  • Alfred: No, it’s not the local radio. It’s just my podcast. Bloody hell!
  • Doris: Ok, Where do I sit?
  • Alfred: If you have to. Just over there. This is a shed so I don’t really have chairs, just plant pots.
  • Doris: Look at the state of this. It’s a right state! Needs a clean! I’ll get my stocking dirty sitting on there.
  • Alfred: Ok, try the lawnmower.
  • Doris: As long as you don’t turn it on! I’ll be fine. I haven’t sat on a machine in donkey’s years!
  • Alfred: I might put you under it if you carry on.
  • Doris: What was that?
  • Alfred: I said that I’ll help you sit on it.
  • Doris: That’ll be lovely.
  • Alfred: Anyway…
  • Doris: It’s Doris.
  • Alfred: I know. Anyway Doris, you do know that we only have one listener. I think it’s probably my wife. She’s probably listening just to see what I’m up to. Probably to make sure that I’m not up to no good or that I’m not talking to the waitresses at the pub.
  • Doris: Well, you look like a lovely boy.
  • Alfred: Nobody has called me a boy for a long time. Ok, you can stay.
  • Doris: All right love. Now, where do I speak into the radio?
  • Alfred: Can you see the black thing in front of you?
  • Doris: Yes, love. I’m not blind yet!
  • Alfred: Well, that is a microphone.
  • Doris: Is it? That’s lovely. A bit small, but lovely!
  • Alfred: Ok, Doris.
  • Doris: When do we begin? I’ve got to be back at the old ladies club later, before 5pm. That’s when my daughter comes and picks me up. She doesn’t like me going for walks. Anyway, when do we begin the radio interview?
  • Alfred: Well, it’s already recording.
  • Doris: Really? You need like a red light or something to show that we’re live.
  • Alfred: This isn’t live Doris. We record it and then people can listen to it when they want.
  • Doris: That’s amazing! I think I need a new radio.
  • Alfred: Why’s that?
  • Doris: My radio has only got one knob! I can’t record on it.
  • Alfred: Well, actually, this won’t be heard on the radio.
  • Doris: ¨What do you mean it won’t be heard on the radio?
  • Alfred: Déjà-vu. It’s a podcast. It’ll be on the internet and people can listen and download it.
  • Doris: The internet? I don’t know anything about that. Technology! It’s marvellous!
  • Alfred: Yes, it is.
  • Doris: How will my cooking club listen to it? I’ve told them to find me on the radio.
  • Alfred: Well, they’ll be looking in vain now. Sorry, about that. Do you want to phone them?
  • Doris: Phone them? I don’t have one of those fancy mobile telephones. As I said before, I can’t use technology!
  • Alfred: Use mine. Here you are.
  • Doris: Sorry, I can’t! Those things are too small for me.
  • Alfred: Fine!
  • Doris: Anyway, you talk too much!
  • Alfred: Me?
  • Doris: Yes, look at all this time we’ve lost. I’ve got be…
  • Alfred: Back at the ladies club by 5pm.
  • Doris: Ok, don’t be cheeky with me! You TV and radio celebrities are all the same. Anyway, can we begin?
  • Alfred: I’ve already told you we have! Good lord!
  • Doris: You should have told me. I wanted to put my lipstick on first!
  • Alfred: Why do you need lipstick for a podcast?
  • Doris: It’s important to dress-up for these things. Look at you? Are those your slippers? You’re going to get mud in your house. What will your wife say?
  • Alfred: These are my outside slippers. I’ve got another pair for the house. Anyway, are you ready?
  • Doris: Yes. I’m ready! Are we recording?
  • Alfred: Yes. Ok. So, Doris… Go!
  • Doris: Have we finished? I haven’t even said anything about the fair yet!
  • Alfred: No, I mean go ahead.
  • Doris: Ah! Alright! Now?
  • Alfred: Yes, please!
  • Doris: Hello, everybody! It’s Doris!
  • Alfred: Hi Doris. By the way, you don’t need to shout.
  • Doris: I want them to hear me.
  • Alfred: That’s why we have microphones.
  • Doris: Ok. Well, as I said. It’s Doris. Come to the local market fair on Sunday.
  • Alfred: Is that it?
  • Doris: Is that what?
  • Alfred: All that you wanted to say?
  • Doris: Yes. That’s all love.
  • Alfred: At least let me ask you some questions.
  • Doris: Alright love, as you’ve been so patient with me.
  • Alfred: So, Doris. Where is the fair?
  • Doris: It’s in the fields behind the train station.
  • Alfred: Right?
  • Doris: It’s a lovely big field. The old people can come by train.
  • Alfred: That’s thoughtful.
  • Doris: But we do have to spend an hour picking up dog poo beforehand.
  • Alfred: Lovely!
  • Doris: Not really! Last year, I forgot my gloves. I had to use an old plastic bag. I didn’t realize that it had holes in it until I was having a cup of tea and a biscuit. I thought it was funny, that I had already got chocolate on my hands even before I had touched the biscuits.
  • Alfred: …and I thought Geoffrey was bad.
  • Doris: I had to use the rest of the tea in my thermo flask to wash my hands. I was grumpy all afternoon.
  • Alfred: Was that because of the poo?
  • Doris: No, because I had no tea. Weren’t you listening?
  • Alfred: I’m listening. Anyway, changing the story from dog poo back to this year’s market fair; tell us more about it.
  • Doris: More about it? Ok. Well, if you’re coming back car. Don’t park in the train station, they charge you a bomb! One pound an hour just to park your car.
  • Alfred: It doesn’t seem too bad.
  • Doris: What you should do, is park your car on the far side of the field. That is unless it’s raining. If it’s raining it gets quite boggy down there. You see, the field is on a slope. All the water runs down to the far side. You don’t want to get stuck down there.
  • Alfred: Wow! This is so interesting.
  • Doris: I haven’t finished yet. Are we still recording?
  • Alfred: Yes…
  • Doris: Ok. If it’s raining park your car in the supermarket car park. You can stay there an hour or two. It’s a bit of a walk though.
  • Alfred: Good information. Anyway, Doris, what can people do at the fair?
  • Doris: Well, there are games for old and young. There are also a lot of homemade products to buy. I’m making turkey sandwiches. If you want the best turkey sandwiches ask for Doris. They all know me. Do you like turkey sandwiches?
  • Alfred: I can’t say they are my favourite. But, yes, I guess I do.
  • Doris: Well come down to the fair on Sunday.
  • Alfred: Well, thank you Doris! It has been very…interesting to meet you.
  • Doris: Are we done?
  • Alfred: Yes.
  • Doris: One more thing.
  • Alfred: Yes?
  • Doris: Can I get an autograph for my granddaughter? She loves all the celebrities!
  • Alfred: Well, I’m not really a celebrity. I don’t think she’d want my autograph. She wouldn’t even know who I am.
  • Doris: Oh dear! You radio celebrities are all the same! You think you’re better than the rest. All I wanted was an autograph.
  • Alfred: Ok, I’ll give you an autograph.
  • Doris: That’s lovely.
  • Alfred: Here you are.
  • Doris: Lovely! Can you make it two?
  • Alfred: Two autographs?
  • Doris: Yes, maybe I can use one as prize in the market fair raffle.
  • Alfred: Well, I guess a bit of free publicity won’t be bad. Even though, nobody will have an idea of who I am.
  • Doris: OK.
  • Alfred: Here’s another autograph.
  • Doris: I’m going now.
  • Alfred: Right, thanks! How did you find us, by the way?
  • Doris: I made a new friend at the ladies club.
  • Alfred: Was it Margaret.
  • Doris: No, it wasn’t a lady. It was an old guy who came by accident. I can’t remember his name. When he first came, he thought it was another type of ladies’ club. He asked us when we’d start taking off our clothes and dancing.
  • Alfred: That sounds very much like Geoffrey:
  • Doris: He was very confused and doesn’t know where he is half of the time.
  • Alfred: That must be Geoffrey!
  • Doris: But we’ve accepted him.
  • (KNOCK)
  • Alfred: Come in.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. Hello!
  • Doris: Speak of the devil. That’s him.
  • Alfred: Geoffrey.
  • Doris: Yes, that’s his name. George.
  • Alfred: Geoffrey.
  • Doris: Yes, George.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, George.
  • Doris: You see. I remember a face.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no! It’s Geoffrey.
  • Doris: Ok, Geoffrey. Are you coming to the ladies club? You can meet my daughter.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, but, I’m here for Alfred’s radio show. We were going to talk about something. I can’t remember what is though.
  • Alfred: Don’t worry. We’ve already done it.
  • Doris: Did you record it?
  • Alfred: Yes.
  • Geoffrey: He’s always recording, this Alfred.
  • Doris: He’s a bit of a cheeky bugger!
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. He isn’t he.
  • Doris: I have to go now.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ll come with you. Where are we going?
  • Doris: To the ladies’ club. Do you like turkey sandwiches?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I do
  • Doris: Ok, let’s go.
  • Alfred: Well. Geoffrey and his friend have left. I hope it’s just his friend. I hope he doesn’t invite her back. Wow, I need a cup of tea after that. Thanks everybody. If you like turkey sandwiches, you know where to go. Goodbye… Oh! Why do I do this to myself?

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