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S1E15 – Learn English with Crazy Stories – I Had Botched Surgery

Learn English with Crazy Stories

She always wanted to have surgery to improve her looks.
However, she couldn’t afford surgery from a regular private hospital. So, she decided to look for cheaper options…
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.

Botched Surgery.
I’ve always tried to improve my physical appearance. When I was younger, I used to take my shoe laces out and use them to tie-up my hair in different ways. Of course, I couldn’t walk more than a few meters without falling over my loose shoes! I banged my nose a lot. But, it was worth it, for that moment of creating a new style.
When I was in school, I used to paint giant red lips on my face using the felt-tip pens, they used to call me big mouth, but I liked it. I was me, I was different and I was gorgeous! I used to quickly run to the bathroom and try to rub it off, before I went home. Sometimes it worked and I smelt of soap, other times I couldn’t get the red colour off. My mother used to think I got into a lot of fights.
When I was a teen, I discovered plastic surgery. I wanted it from a young age. I used to adore oversized babes, like Pamela Anderson, I’d practise pouting and getting the look right, I was just missing the lips and the boobs. I tried to fill my bra for a few years, but in the end stuffing your bra with cushions doesn’t quite give the right look, and once you’ve bent over, they’re all out of shape. More drag queen that Dolly Parton.
A few years ago, I got my first job and decided to save up for surgery. Unfortunately, my job as a mechanic doesn’t allow me to save a lot. So, I spent many nights alone in bed, by myself, looking for cheap surgery. I considered going to Thailand get some work done, but I don’t like the food, or people to think I’m a ladyboy with my over the top make-up.
I started to get a bit frustrated, but one day, while browsing on Instagram, I found a post, from an Eastern European surgeon who was trying to set-up a new cosmetic surgery centre in this country. He was offering cheap surgery as he hadn’t bought a property yet. He was working out of his home. I decided it was now or never. I contacted him, and we set a date.
When I arrived, I noticed that his house was dirty, cigarette butts all over the floor. But, I imagined that if he was just getting started, he must smoke a lot with the pressure and not have time to clean properly. He was not alone, there was another guy in a tracksuit, and he said that he was his apprentice and that he believed in giving work to poor people without opportunities. I believed him.
He then stroked my arm and told me to undress. I did. He said he hadn’t had a chance to buy any patient gowns or pyjamas yet, but they were not really needed. I got undressed and then he gave me a drink that he said was a perfectly acceptable replacement to anaesthetic in Eastern Europe. I drank it and then felt my eyes clothes as he laid me down on his coffee table.
I didn’t feel anything. That is until I woke-up. I felt a little pain in my chest. I tried to look at my boobs, but they were covered in plasters and bandages. They certainly looked bigger! They were really big! I touched and felt them. One felt tender and hurt when I touched it, the other felt very soft and I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was touching another person’s boob. He said it was normal for one to hurt and the other to feel nothing and that it was my brain directing all the pain into one boob. I accepted his explanation.
The apprentice had changed his tracksuit bottoms, but he must have got the other pair dirty. They made me a cup of coffee and then he told me not to remove the bandages for 5 days. I paid in cash and left.
5 days later, I woke up. It was time to see my new boobs in their fully glory! The painful boob had stopped hurting, so I decided to unwrap that one first. I removed the bandage slowly; it hurt a little and was dirty as I had been working in the garage during that time. Wow! It looked marvellous! The boob of my dreams, bigger than Pam’s boob. I couldn’t wait to unwrap the other boob!
However, when I started to unwrap it, I noticed that I couldn’t feel anything. It also felt soft. Little by little the bandages came off. The boob felt soft, hairy and almost furry! What had happened? Had I grown a layer of thick hair on my boob?
As I unwrapped it, something large fell off and fell onto the floor! My booby was missing! It was flat, like a man’s chest. I then looked at what had fallen on the floor. To my surprise, it was a teddy bear monkey! What? I couldn’t believe it. They had removed my left boob and replaced it with a teddy bear! I now have one big beautiful boob and another flat one! I was so angry!
I decided to go and find this man! So, I put my new bra on, and put the monkey into one side of it and I marched to the house of the surgery. But, it was closed, no-one was home. The windows were boarded-up. The surgeon had left. I tried to email him, after a few days I did get a reply, saying that there was a problem with my left-boob during the surgery and that the monkey was the only boob shaped item in his house at the time. He also said that his Visa had run-out and he had to leave the country.
I couldn’t afford any more surgery to fix the problem, so I left the problem as is it. However, I have found that it is advantageous in my job to only have one boob. Sometimes, I can’t get under a car to fix it with the side of my body with the big breast. So, I just turn my body around and I can fit, it’s great having one flat and one big booby. Double benefit!

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