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S1E14 – Learn English with Two Old Men – Is She Cheating?

Episode Notes

Learn English with Two Old Men.

Geoffrey has been with his new wife a few weeks now. However, she seems to be hiding something. Alfred listens to Geoffrey’s stories again with wonder.

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Transcript*

  • ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men in a Shed! With me, Alfred and my 80 years young colleague, Geoffrey! Say hello Geoffrey!
  • Geoffrey: Hello.
  • ALFRED: What? Just hello?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes.
  • ALFRED: You’re not going to make the same joke that you make every podcast by saying ‘hello Geoffrey’? You know how I love that joke!
  • Geoffrey: No, I don’t feel like it.
  • ALFRED: Wow, something must be up with you. What is wrong Geoffrey?
  • Geoffrey: I don’t know if I should say on this microphone. I don’t want my private life to be public knowledge.
  • ALFRED: Public knowledge? Who will find out?
  • Geoffrey: All the listeners to this radio programme.
  • ALFRED: It’s a podcast.
  • Geoffrey: A what?
  • ALFRED: Oh never mind! Anyway, we probably only have one listener.
  • Geoffrey: One listener! Hello!
  • ALFRED: They probably only found this podcast by accident. The listener is probably a young woman who was searching for tips on how to meet rich men and instead of writing Gold men, she wrote old men.
  • Geoffrey: Well, I hope she finds real love. I wish I did.
  • ALFRED: But, I thought that you had found a wife? Has she finally left you? (As I expected).
  • Geoffrey: No, no. It’s not that bad.
  • ALFRED: What do you mean it’s not that bad? You haven’t poisoned her have you? I told you that you should change that old lead pan you have.
  • Geoffrey: She is still alive. I wish my heart was.
  • ALFRED: Tell us. I mean tell me what has happened Geoffrey.
  • Geoffrey: Well, I don’t know. But I think that my Filipino wife Pim is cheating on me.
  • ALFRED: Cheating? Wow, this is serious. Why do you think that?
  • Geoffrey: Well, for example, I was on my way to the gym.
  • ALFRED: You go to the gym?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, I was on my way to the gym when I realized that I had forgotten my gym bag. So, I had to turn the car around and drive back home.
  • ALFRED: You drive a car?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, as I arrived home at the mansion,
  • ALFRED: You have a mansion?
  • Geoffrey: I started to whistle a well-known jazz-rock song.
  • ALFRED: You know music from the 20th century!?
  • Geoffrey: I then walked up the stairs and as I got near the bedroom door I heard some banging in the bedroom. So, I opened the door and then saw my blonde American wife.
  • ALFRED: Your blonde American wife? I thought she was a dark Philippine woman!
  • Geoffrey: I asked her what she was doing. She said she was doing some morning exercises.
  • ALFRED: This sounds very strange.
  • Geoffrey: Then I noticed them!
  • ALFRED: What did you notice?
  • Geoffrey: Some boxer-shorts on the floor.
  • ALFRED: But, don’t you wear boxer shorts?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, I picked them up and then realized that the material wasn’t as soft as my usual boxer-shorts.
  • ALFRED: What the?
  • Geoffrey: These boxer-shorts where of a lower quality. I’m very sensitive in that area, so I only buy the best quality boxer shorts. That is when I realized that these belonged to another man!
  • ALFRED: Oh! What happened next?
  • Geoffrey: A young handsome man who looked like a gardener with long hair fell out of the wardrobe in a very comedic way.
  • ALFRED: You don’t have a gardener!
  • Geoffrey: I then used my kung-fu skills and I beat him up!
  • ALFRED: What kung-fu skills?
  • Geoffrey: The kung-fu skills I learned as a top international spy.
  • ALFRED: A top international spy? Geoffrey, I think that you are mixing life and some movie that you’ve seen again.
  • Geoffrey: That does explain why my wife looked like Julia Roberts.
  • ALFRED: Do you remember the last time that you mixed reality with a movie and you said that aliens had visited you.
  • Geoffrey: Yes, we had a nice cup of tea together!
  • ALFRED: That was probably a movie!
  • Geoffrey: It was real. I remember because I was quite upset that they left the biscuits. Those were my best biscuits!
  • ALFRED: Oh dear! Ok, now we have cleared that up, that it was a movie and that your wife is not Julie Roberts and she is not cheating on you. Can you try and be a bit happier!
  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no.
  • ALFRED: No? Why not?
  • Geoffrey: Because now I remember the real story.
  • ALFRED: What is the real story?
  • Geoffrey: Well, the other day. I got home early.
  • ALFRED: You got home early? What do you mean? You don’t work Geoffrey. If you say you were at the gym again, I’m going to…
  • Geoffrey: No, I wasn’t at the gym. I’m sure this is a real story.
  • ALFRED: Ok, I’ll give you one more chance. Wow, that is the first time I’ve heard that sentence not being said by my wife, Mabel. Lovely woman! Go ahead…
  • Geoffrey: Yes! I got home early from the bridge and chess club. As I walked in, I heard her in the bathroom. As I said, I’ve never seen her naked. She usually spends an hour in there.
  • ALFRED: I know the story; my wife takes half an hour to get ready!
  • Geoffrey: So, I asked her if she had seen my glasses.
  • ALFRED: That’s normal. I think that is the most common sentence you say. You must say it once every hour. You usually spend the next 30 minutes looking for them, only to realize that the glasses are on your nose.
  • Geoffrey: Anyway, I asked her, then I’m sure I heard a man’s voice reply. Saying, “I saw them in the kitchen this morning”
  • ALFRED: A man answered you?
  • Geoffrey: I think so. The thing is, when she eventually came out of the bathroom, it was just her. I checked the bathroom afterwards and there was nobody there!
  • ALFRED: That is strange! Where the windows closed?
  • Geoffrey: Well, I don’t have a window in my bathroom anymore.
  • ALFRED: You don’t have a window?
  • Geoffrey: If you remember, a thief broke into my house through my window while I was in the shower. After seeing my 80 year old bottom full of hairs, he immediately jumped back out of the window forgetting that there is a 5 meter drop.
  • ALFRED: I do remember, it was in the newspaper! So, what happened to the window?
  • Geoffrey: I covered it up with a piece of wood. I don’t mind. At my age, its best not to see what comes out of you.
  • ALFRED: Ok. So you think you heard a man’s voice coming from the bathroom. To be honest Geoffrey, you’ve already shown us that you imagine things. How do you know that she is cheating?
  • Geoffrey: Maybe I imagined the voice. Also, my glasses where in the kitchen!
  • ALFRED: Great! So a friendly imaginary lover who knows you!
  • Geoffrey, Yes, but it’s not only that!
  • ALFRED: What else?
  • Geoffrey: my razor!
  • ALFRED: What about your razor?
  • Geoffrey: Well, I have to shave everyday because of this thick old white hair I have.
  • ALFRED: Ok…
  • Geoffrey: Well, usually I have to change my razor every 2 weeks. But, now it seems like I’m buying a new razor every week.
  • ALFRED: That could be anything. It could be your skin is more sensitive or the quality of the razors isn’t so good.
  • Geoffrey: I’m not finished.
  • ALFRED: Sorry, go ahead.
  • Geoffrey: Sometimes, I noticed black hairs on my razor. I haven’t had a black hair since 1945.
  • ALFRED: Right. Maybe your wife, Julie, I mean Pim is using it to shave her legs.
  • Geoffrey: I’ve seen her legs, she definitely doesn’t shave them. I don’t mind they keep me warm when we are on the sofa.
  • ALFRED: Interesting. Maybe she likes to shave her… you know…
  • Geoffrey: Her what?
  • ALFRED: You know, maybe she shaves her ‘thingy’.
  • Geoffrey: Her thingy? What are you talking about?
  • ALFRED: Please don’t make me say the word. I’m old and it embarrasses me.
  • Geoffrey: What word?
  • ALFRED: Her lady parts!
  • Geoffrey: Women shave their lady parts? That is amazing!
  • ALFRED: I was reading it in my wife’s gossip magazines. Young women these days shave their… lady parts. And your internet wife is young, right?
  • Geoffrey: Yes, she’s a very young lady, almost 60.
  • ALFRED: That is young. I remember when I was young and 60. Anyway, maybe she shaves down there.
  • Geoffrey: I will ask her.
  • ALFRED: You can’t just ask her.
  • Geoffrey: Why not? She’s my wife! I paid for her!
  • ALFRED: Yes, but you barely know her. You’ve never been naked together. What you could do is; take her out on a romantic date and when you get home, you might get lucky!
  • Geoffrey: Get lucky! You mean sexual relations? That would be amazing! I don’t even know if my little friend still works.
  • ALFRED: I’m sure it will, when you have a young 60 year old lady naked with you. I wish my wife was that young!
  • Geoffrey: I’ve heard about a magic blue pill for men our age. What is that? How many do I take?
  • ALFRED: I think it is best not to take any blue pills Geoffrey. I’m sure you’ll find away.
  • Geoffrey: I better go and book a restaurant. All the young kids are going to a fashionable new restaurant called The McDonalds. I’ll take her there, it sounds very posh! I’ll need a new suit. Can I borrow yours? I’m young again!
  • ALFRED: I think I’ll be bad and not tell him. At least we’ll have a new story for the next podcast. We’ll Geoffrey has left me alone in the shed again. I may be old, but I’m not talking to myself, so goodbye. Join us next time on Learn English with Two Old Men podcast.

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