Learn English with Two Old Men.
Geoffrey arrives with another story that may sound crazy for others, but is perfectly normal for him
Another funny story from the two old men for learners of the English language.
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Alfred: Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men. Hey Geoffrey, you look very upbeat today. I imagine you’ve had a good week for once?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ve had a lovely week. Do you know what?
Geoffrey: I’ve got a new friend! That is incredible at my age! I’m used to losing and burying my friends. I’m certainly not used to making new friends. To be honest, I’ve been expecting to bury you for the last couple of years. You don’t look so good!
Alfred: Thank you Geoffrey, that is the nicest thing you’ve said to me. Anyway, back to your friend.
Geoffrey: Yes, my friend.
Alfred: It is a person, it isn’t?
Geoffrey: Yes, of course it’s a person.
Alfred: A real one? Not an imaginary one like last time
Geoffrey: Yes, my friend is a real person.
Alfred: They are alive, aren’t they?
Geoffrey: Yes, believe me; I have a real alive friend who is a person! Incredible!
Alfred: Wow, this is new. Can you tell me a bit about your friend, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Well, her name is Angela. She’s a mature woman of our age.
Alfred: Your age? You are older than me, remember.
Geoffrey: I may be older, but I do have the body of a 60 year old. I still skateboard sometimes. Anyway, I met her in the most peculiar way.
Alfred: Let me guess! Were you chasing a fox out of your garden and then accidently bumped into her?
Geoffrey: Chasing a fox out of my garden? Don’t be ridiculous!
Alfred: He needs help! Ok. Did you accidently confuse the supermarket with the hospital and she was a patient there?
Geoffrey: What? Your suggestions are getting even crazier all the time. How could possible I confuse a supermarket with a hospital?
Alfred: I give up!
Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll tell you. I was going on a walk to the park. You see, I love to feed the ducks! They come over and I talk to them. I tell them about my day. However, if the big geese come over, I run away.
Alfred: You are a man of the animals!
Geoffrey: Yes! Yes! So, I was feeding the ducks when I saw a big swan come over to me.
Alfred: Swans are beautiful!
Geoffrey: So, I thought to myself that I’d never seen a swan in this park before. It was really big one too! But do you know what the strangest thing was?
Alfred: What was that Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: While I was throwing bread into its mouth, I realised it was not eating the bread. The swan was getting angrier by the moment and jumping around. Then, I thought I heard something.
Alfred: What did you think you heard?
Geoffrey: I was sure that I heard it say stop! I thought I had gone mad!
Alfred: One day you will realize that you are crazy!
Geoffrey: Crazy! Yes, yes. Well, wait till you hear this next bit of the story.
Alfred: Ok. Go ahead.
Geoffrey: Then, I heard the swan speak again! It said “stop doing that and come and help me!”
Alfred: It spoke to you?
Geoffrey: Yes, At first, I tried to ignore it. I thought maybe I had taken my wife’s pills this morning instead of mine. Then I remembered that I don’t have a wife.
Alfred: I’m sure that this is not the first time that you’ve said that.
Geoffrey: Err, OK. So, I checked my pills in my coat pocket and I had taken the right pills. So, I decided to not look at the swan and continue to throw bread to the ducks. But the ducks! They were scared of the swan. Then the worst thing happened, the swan spoke again. It said “Stop throwing bread at those bloody ducks and help me”
Alfred: The swan was really speaking to you! That’s incredible.
Geoffrey: Yes. I couldn’t ignore it anymore! I had to respond. The voice wouldn’t go away. So, I asked it what it wanted.
Alfred: I still think this is his crazy imagination. So, Geoffrey, what did it want?
Geoffrey: It said in a most beautiful and feminine voice that it was stuck in the pond and couldn’t get out.
Alfred: The speaking bird wanted to get out of the pond, did it?
Geoffrey: Yes, so I said that I could be arrested by the Police for taking an animal out of the park.
Alfred: What did this imaginary speaking, sorry, I mean this speaking bird say to you?
Geoffrey: It said “I may be old and have a lot of hair all over my body, but please don’t call me an animal!”. So, I responded “But you are animal!”. The swan then said “Well, there’s no need to insult me!”
Alfred: Ok, so now you are having a fight with a talking bird!
Geoffrey: Yes, that’s what I thought. However, I then realized that I had taken my glasses off to feed the ducks.
Alfred: Why do you take your glasses off to feed the ducks?
Geoffrey: Because I want them to see me as an equal.
Alfred: That makes no sense.
Geoffrey: So, I took my glasses out of my coat pocket and put them on. When I looked up, I realized that the swan was even bigger than I thought. In fact, it was so big that I realized it wasn’t a swan.
Alfred: What was it?
Geoffrey: It was a very wet woman, who was now surrounded by bits of dirty old bread.
Alfred: A woman in the pond. What was she doing there?
Geoffrey: That is what I asked her. She said that she was feeding the ducks and then she thought she heard a duck speaking. So, she went close to the side of the pond and fell in.
Alfred: Poor woman! So, I imagine she couldn’t get out.
Geoffrey: No, the sides of the pond are quite high. She had been waiting there for an hour. So, I tried to rescue her.
Alfred: You rescued her! You are a hero.
Geoffrey: Well, no I didn’t manage to rescue her!
Alfred: No? What happened?
Geoffrey: I had one hand holding her and the other hand holding a branch of a tree. Then the branch broke. We both fell right in. Now, we were both stuck!
Alfred: Poor guy! I suppose someone else rescued you both. At least you made a friend in that pond with the wet woman.
Geoffrey: No, I didn’t make friends with her. She was crazy! Did you not hear me! She said she heard the ducks speaking to her! How strange! When the ambulance arrived, I gave her a fake name and a fake number and I ran away.
Alfred: You ran away at your age!?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, I walked away quickly!
Alfred: What about your new friend.
Geoffrey: Well, to warm up I went to a café to have a nice cuppa and a biscuit. Unfortunately, when I went to pay, I realized that my money was all wet. I couldn’t pay.
Alfred: Oh dear! Your clothes were also still wet.
Geoffrey: Yes, a lady in the corner saw me. She must have felt sorry for me. SO, she offered to pay for my tea and biscuit and then she gave me her coat. It was so lovely of her.
Alfred: This was Angela, wasn’t it?
Geoffrey: Yes, we spent 2 hours talking next to the radiator. We had nothing in common.
Alfred: I don’t think anyone has anything in common with you. Maybe Mr Bean.
Geoffrey: Thank you for calling me funny! So, I asked her if she wanted to meet for a cuppa another day. She said yes. So, I gave her my real name and my telephone number.
Geoffrey: It is surprising that she hasn’t called me yet!
Geoffrey: She must be shy.
Alfred: you don’t have a telephone. Do you remember, you thought the government were spying on your with it.
Geoffrey: Ah yes! I mean, oh no! I’ll never find her again!
Alfred: Maybe go back to that café and see if she is there.
Geoffrey: Great idea! Bye-bye!
Alfred: You’re going now?!
Geoffrey: Yes, bye!
Alfred: Run, Geoffrey, Run.
Alfred: Well, Geoffrey’s gone. He’s left his glasses, so he’ll be back. That is the end of today’s episode. Thank you for listening. One day, we’ll have a normal story. One day..
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