Learn English with Two Old Men.
Who are these two crazy old men in a shed?
Meet Geoffrey and Alfred, two old men who know nothing!
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See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
- ALFRED: Welcome to the Learn English with Two Old Men podcast… And there is no introduction music! That is a good start to this series of podcasts. Well the aim of this podcast is to talk about the lives of two old men and hopefully, someone might find some wisdom, someone might find some useful advice and hopefully someone will listen to us. We hope to entertain and educate. But it is not just me. With me is my co-host Geoffrey. Say hello Geoffrey.
- Geoffrey: Hello Geoffrey.
- ALFRED: That is a really old and terrible joke!
- Geoffrey: Yes. The old jokes are the best. Anyway, why do you want me to say hello. I said hello to you 10 minutes ago.
- ALFRED: No, not to me, Geoffrey. Say hello to the listeners.
- Geoffreys: The listeners? There is nobody here in the room, except you and me. Are you nuts?
- ALFRED: You don’t remember that we are here to record a podcast, do you?
- Geoffrey: Ah, yes? This is it, is it? What is a podcast?
- ALFRED: What a great start! Think of it like an old radio programme.
- Geoffrey: I love the radio. So, people are listening to us live, right? Maybe, we can talk about the news. Live Today’s date is..
- ALFRED: It is not live. It’s recorded and people can listen to us when they want.
- Geoffrey: That’s marvellous! How do they do that?
- ALFRED: Using the internet.
- Geoffrey: Oh, I’ve heard of the internet. What is it?
- ALFRED: Just think of it like magic spaghetti that connects people’s computers.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I understand.
- ALFRED: Anyway, today’s topic is…
- I can’t find my show notes. Have you seen them?
- Geoffrey:Uh-oh! Were they a lot of pieces of paper?
- ALFRED: Yes, they were.
- Geoffrey: Were they written in pencil?
- ALFRED: Yes, they were.
- Geoffrey: Did you leave them on the small table at the back of the room?
- ALFRED: Yes, I did.
- Geoffrey: Well, I’m afraid I haven’t seen them.
- ALFRED: Geoffrey! Are you hiding something?
- Geoffrey: Yes
- ALFRED: Did you do something with my notes?
- Geoffrey: Yes
- ALFRED: What did you do?
- Geoffrey: Well, my daughter says I have to recycle more. I’ve now got an obsession for it. I recyle everything I find
- ALFRED: Everything?
- Geoffrey: Everything! I’ve even recycled the recycling bin.
- ALFRED: But, you don’t have a daughter.
- Geoffrey: Ah really? I thought I did. I must have recycled her too!
- ALFRED: haha. Ok, so! Your memory is bad and unfortunately, my memory isn’t that good either. Ok, let me think of some questions. There is a lot in the news about immigration, borders being put up. What do you think of this?
- Geoffrey: Really! That is great! We need borders! What would the maps look like without them? Anyway, the waitress at my local café is foreign.
- ALFRED: Ah really? Where is she from?
- Geoffrey: I don’t know, but she has got a lovely accent! Makes this old man happy! If she can make a good cup of tea, that is all that matters to me.
- ALFRED: Geoffrey, We’re old, you can look but you can’t touch.
- Geoffrey: I can’t touch?
- ALFRED: Yes, you literally can’t touch as you’re an ugly old man with hairs in his hears who struggles to get himself out of his own chair.
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’d love to …
- ALFRED: Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Anyway, I’d love to meet a young foreign lass! This old man misses the women’s touch, and with a blue pill or two..
- ALFRED: Geoffrey! Calm down!
- Geoffrey: Yes, yes, sorry. Maybe, I’ll just keep to my normal task of helping the waitress improve her English; I teach her all the naughty words. It makes this old man happy, yes!
- ALFRED: You are a dirty old man. Now, can you speak any other languages?
- Geoffrey: Actually, yes I can.
- ALFRED: Really? That is surprising. What other language can you speak?
- Geoffrey: I can speak, French. I have a story about how I learnt it.
- ALFRED: I’m sure you do. Please, go ahead.
- Geoffrey: Well, I was on the front line during the war. But, I didn’t like killing people, so I decided to run way.
- ALFRED: War is horrible. I don’t blame you.
- Geoffrey: Well. I was in France. I was 18 and it was 1944. I ran and ran and..
- ALFRED: ran?
- Geoffrey: Yes! No! I ran, ran and ate rats. It was the only meat I could find. They go well with tomatoes.
- ALFRED: Please continue before I throw-up.
- Geoffrey: As you know, people always say I have a bit of a baby’s face. I look younger than I am.
- ALFRED: Not anymore Geoffrey!
- Geoffrey: Thanks, I think? Anyway, I decided to use my young looks to my advantage. So, I painted my cheeks red, found some bright socks and wore a silly hat.
- ALFRED: So, you tried to look like a child.
- Geoffrey: Yes. I think I saw some children playing. French children of course. So, I joined in, they were playing football. Of course, I lost the game. I’ve always been bad at sports.
- ALFRED: Right, but you didn’t speak French at that moment, right?
- Geoffrey: No, I didn’t. So, after the game, all the parents came to collect their children. Of course, I was left alone. Then one fat lady.
- ALFRED: It’s politically incorrect to say fat.
- Geoffrey: Oh, sorry, one large lady…
- ALFRED: I don’t know about political correctness anymore. I give up.
- Geoffrey: Ok, one lady whose size was bigger than the average at that time, saw me. She had no children. She must have felt sorry for me. She came over and gave me a big hug. Then before I could say no, she grabbed my arm and took me to her house.
- ALFRED: But, obviously, you explained that you weren’t a child.
- Geoffrey: No, her boyfriend was a German soldier. So, I couldn’t speak English in front of him. I decided to continue to pretend that I was a child. At least, for the first time in 2 months, I got a good meal, a nice warm bed and a bed time story, even if I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.
- ALFRED: But, did you try to escape?
- Geoffrey, Yes, I did try to escape, the days that her boyfriend was away.
- ALFRED: Did you manage to escape?
- Geoffery: No! That big woman was stronger than an ox! She kept catching me and taking me back to her house. She spanked my bottom every time.
- ALFRED: She spanked your bottom?
- Geoffrey: Yes, it was very red and sore. I did enjoy it a little.
- ALFRED: Back to the story please.
- Geoffrey: Anyway, I tried to explain to her that I was a soldier who is hiding. But, of course she didn’t understand a word. She didn’t speak English. She would say “shh” and then give me a drink of hot milk and send me to bed. Not even a bedtime story!
- ALFRED: Well, what happened?
- Geoffrey: I had stay there until I could learn French and explain to her that I’m not a lost child and that I’m an adult.
- ALFRED: Did you?
- Geoffrey: No, I’m a bit stupid, She was a vet. So, I learnt to say that ‘I am a dog’ but never learn the French word for child! So, she thought it was a game, she gave me a bone for bed.
- ALFRED: Obviously, you managed to escape…
- Geoffrey: Yes, after a year, I did. Some nuns were passing through the village, and I decided to escape with them. I dressed up as a nun and joined them. By this time, the war was over and that is another story.
- ALFRED: So, did you did learn French in the end, didn’t you?
- Geoffrey: No, I never could learn foreign languages.
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